I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i now understand why vodka
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
