I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
