smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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