I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize