Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
