my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
