I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
