I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
