I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's shark week go big or go home
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
