drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
