Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
