i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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