i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
