Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
