I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
