I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
