Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
