When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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