My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
