I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
