Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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