It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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