take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
