Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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