I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
