afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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