he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
vagina is talking i cant
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
