I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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