Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
