A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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