I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
