i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
