why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
