my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
