Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
