Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
