Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
