I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have post one night stand depression
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
