I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
