life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
