Cold hands, warm shart.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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