Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
