Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
