I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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