He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
