i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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