dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
