i just wanna soil my oats bro
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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