Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
