I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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