Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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