Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
