Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
