I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
