Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We had sex on a dog bed..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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