Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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