you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
