You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
