I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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